The Rules To Be Known
To Become a Real Programmer

• Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's


• Real Programmers can write 5 page long DO loops without getting confused


• Real Programmers like arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting


• Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if it can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop


• Real Programmers don't know their wives's name; they do know, however, the entire ASCII code table


• Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get


• Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read


• Real Programmer's programs never work the first time. But if you throw it into the machine, it can be made to work in "only a few" 30-hour sessions


• Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, COBOL, Ada or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories


• Real Programmers think structured programming is a communist plot


• Real Programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line


• Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave; Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running by listening to the rate of popping


• Real Programmers only use a Direct Memory Editor to build a program. They only use an assembler if they wrote it themselves


• Real Programmers don't work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmer is around at 9 AM, it's because he was up all night


• Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems; they turn off the RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security data sets


• Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores are not open at 3 AM. They survive on twinkies and coffee


• Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look what it did to them!